Real (Like REAL) Friendship
Real friendship is something I'm learning about lately. I think it's been on my mind because I'm realizing that real friends are hard to find. And just as hard is being a real friend. But friendship is one of those gems that is worth putting effort in.I first starting thinking about this most recently when a dear friend had a hard conversation with me. It wasn't a comfortable conversation on my end, and probably not super comfortable on her end either. But it was necessary. I needed to hear what she had to say.I'm not going to go into all the details, but basically she called me out on something I've always struggled with. She basically told me STOP TRYING TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. LET OTHERS HELP YOU!Oof. I'm not going to lie, this hurt at first. But like I said, I needed to hear it.You see, control is something I've struggled with for nearly as long as I remember. It was at the root of my disordered eating...I had this desire to control something at a time in my life which felt really out of control, and food and my body became that thing.So here was this friend bringing to my attention that, even though I've made huge progress in the area of control with my relationship with food and my body, I still struggle. But here's where friends are so important. Like, real friends! Those friends who aren't afraid to call you out and do so in a loving and encouraging way. Who love you so much they don't want you to keep making the same mistakes or keep living with the same sin issues.That's a real friend.So that got me thinking. Am I a REAL friend? Have I let myself get close enough to women in my life where we can be real with each other, sharing both the highs and the lows. Where we feel comfortable sharing our struggles and our strengths. The answer for me is... not as much as I'd like.So here's the deal. Self-awareness is the start of change, right? For you, for me. But we don't want to just stop there. We want to actually do something about what we discover about ourselves. So if you notice yourself in the same boat, with struggling to have real, true friends in your life as well as being that real and true friend, I want to share some ways that I'm currently working to change in this area of my life.
CHOOSING CONFIDENCE
I've noticed for myself, a frequent reason for me not allowing real, deep friendships is a lack of confidence. Confidence is always something I'm working on. It, to be honest, doesn't come easily to me. I know, shocker. I frequently feel like I'm putting a front of confidence up when inside I feel small. But that's ok! Confidence isn't something we all have all the time, (we all have times of insecurity) but we can always work to push past fears and insecurities and let our confidence be more of a choice. So even when you don't FEEL confident, you can ACT confident. That's what I've experienced and that's what I believe. This isn't to say that you aren't real and vulnerable with people. I believe that real-ness and vulnerability are signs of confidence. It's about choosing to not let what other people think of you hold you back, not letting your own fears or predisposed thoughts of how people will respond keep you from doing what you dream of doing or being who you were made to be.
HAVE AN "OTHERS" FOCUSED MENTALITY
Sometimes we tend to think only about ourselves, what's going on in our lives, as opposed to being interested in the other person. Listen, if you can relate with this, with spending time with a friend and finding yourself caught just talking about you and what's going on in your life, you're not alone. And don't feel bad. We're human and that means our tendency is to think about ourselves, for a lot of us at least. So being "others-focused" takes practice for some of us. But this mindset is crucial for cultivating deep friendships. So let me encourage you to try something new... the next time you get together with a friend, go into the conversation with the intention of just listening and asking them questions. Naturally there will be some back and forth conversation where one person shares about themselves and then the other does. But try to go into the conversation with the mindset and intention of being a really good listener. Have you ever been talking with a friend and while they're talking you're thinking about what you want to share about yourself next? I'm guilty of this, for sure! It's tough! But having this intention to be more of a listener than a speaker is a start towards change.
YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY
Ok, so I know you're busy. I'm busy. But remember, you're not TOO busy for friendship. We say we're too busy when we have our priorities out of line. And if deep and real friendship is something you value, you're not too busy, you may just need to do some adjusting of your priorities. Real, deep friendships take time. So make time. Maybe block off time on your calendar each week or every other week or once a month... make it regular... where you meet with a friend.
GO DEEP
It's not always the most comfortable thing. But real friendship requires that we go deep and get vulnerable. Find a friend who seems like someone you can trust with the deep and the real stuff. Share about life, share about not only the good things going on but also the hard things. What do you think? Are you with me with working on being a more real friend?